Flirting Moves That Can Help Create More Chemistry

We went out for dinner in February. Nothing fancy. A booth at the place with the good bread. Tom ordered what he always orders. I ordered what I always order. Then we sat there and ate and did not say much. At the next table a couple who looked about twenty five could not stop touching each other’s hands. She laughed at something he said and put her head down on the table for a second. He pushed the bread basket toward her and kept his hand there until she took it.

I was not jealous of them. I was happy for them. But on the drive home I kept thinking about the fact that Tom and I used to be like that. Not at a restaurant with kids in the back seat. Before that. And I realized I had not flirted with my own husband in a very long time. Not because anything was wrong. We had just stopped. The house got quiet after our youngest left for college and we filled the quiet with the news and the crossword.

So I asked readers of this blog what flirting moves had actually created chemistry for them. Some were married a long time. Some were newly dating. Some were back out there after a divorce or a loss. I got a stack of replies and I picked eleven that I tried myself over the next couple of months. Here is how each one went at my house.

Hold their eyes a beat longer

The first one sounded too simple to work. Marjorie T., 59, of Duluth, Minnesota wrote that she started holding eye contact with her husband one second past the point where she would normally look away. She said the first time she did it he asked if he had something on his face. The second time he smiled. By the third week he was doing it back.

I tried it at breakfast. Tom was reading the paper. He looked up to ask if we had more coffee. I looked at him and did not look away. He held it for a second, then went a little pink around the ears and said, “What.” I said nothing. I just smiled and got up to make more coffee. He watched me walk to the pot. That had not happened in a while.

Looking at someone a little too long tells them you are paying attention, and attention is where chemistry starts.

Say their name like you mean it

Ellen R., 47, of Macon, Georgia is newly dating after her divorce. She wrote that the man she is seeing uses her name in the middle of sentences, not just to get her attention. He will say, “Ellen, you would have liked this,” or “I was thinking about what you said, Ellen.” She told me it makes her feel like he is talking to her and not just talking.

I noticed that I almost never say Tom’s name. I say “hey” or “honey” or nothing. I just start talking from the other room. So I started using it. “Tom, come look at this.” “Thank you, Tom.” It felt silly the first few times. By the end of the week he had started saying mine back. One night he said, “Linda, do you want the end piece or can I have it,” which was a real sacrifice for him. He still took the end piece. But he asked.

A person’s name said warmly is the smallest gift you can give and most of us stop giving it.

Touch their arm when you pass

Several readers mentioned touch. Not grabbing. Not a big show. Pam S., 63, of Reno, Nevada put it best. She said she started putting her hand on her husband’s shoulder every time she walked behind his chair. Just a second. Then she kept walking. She said after a month he started reaching up and catching her hand sometimes.

We have a narrow kitchen. Tom and I pass each other in it ten times a day. I started putting my hand on his back as I squeezed by. Or on his arm when I handed him something. I did not say anything about it. The first time he looked at me like I had lost my keys. By the second week he was doing the same thing. One afternoon he came in from the garage and put his hand on the back of my neck while I was stirring soup and left it there for a minute. I did not say a word. I did not want to scare it off.

Small touches in passing add up, and they say more than a long hug once a week.

Ask about the thing they care about

Vicki H., 52, of Lansing, Michigan wrote that the best flirting she ever did was asking a man about his tomato plants. She said he lit up and talked for twenty minutes and at the end he asked her out. She married him. She told me most people never get asked about what they actually love.

Tom has been trying to fix a lawn mower engine in the garage since October. I had not asked about it once. I thought of it as noise and a mess. So one evening I asked him what was wrong with it. He looked surprised. Then he explained the whole thing. I did not understand most of it. But I asked follow-up questions and he kept going. He was more animated than I had seen him in months. He asked me the next day if I wanted to come out and see the part he had replaced. I went. I still do not know what it was. But he held the flashlight for me and leaned in close so I could see.

Being curious about what someone loves is more attractive than being interesting yourself.

Tease them about something small

I was nervous about this one. Teasing can go wrong fast. But Dana W., 41, of Albuquerque, New Mexico wrote that light teasing was the thing that made her boyfriend feel like she really saw him. She teases him about how he refolds every towel she folds. He teases her about how she talks to the dog in full sentences. She said it keeps things playful and nobody feels judged because it is about small things.

Tom rakes the leaves every Saturday morning. He also rakes them in a very particular pattern, in rows, like he is planting corn. I have never said anything about this in thirty years. One Saturday I brought him a cup of coffee and said, “Those are some very straight rows.” He stopped and looked at me. Then he laughed. He said, “You have never once commented on my rows.” I said I had been holding it in since the first Bush administration. He laughed harder. Then he raked a crooked row on purpose and pointed at it.

Teasing about something harmless tells a person you notice them and like them anyway.

Notice something specific

Readers were almost unanimous that a general compliment does nothing. “You look nice” slides right off. Roberta C., 66, of Bangor, Maine wrote that her late husband used to say things like, “That blue makes your eyes look like the lake in August.” She said she still thinks about it. She told me she never once remembered a time he said she looked nice.

I decided to try being specific. Tom came downstairs in a shirt our oldest gave him for Christmas. I said, “That green is good on you. It makes your eyes look lighter.” He looked down at the shirt like it had just appeared on him. He said, “Does it.” Then he stood up a little straighter and wore that shirt three times that week. A few days later he told me he liked the way I had my hair pinned up. He said he could see my neck. I had been pinning my hair up for thirty years. He had just never said it.

A compliment that names one real thing lands, and a vague one floats away.

Put on something nice for an ordinary Tuesday

Theresa P., 55, of Omaha, Nebraska wrote that she started wearing earrings and lipstick to make dinner on weeknights. Not for company. Just for her husband and herself. She said he noticed within two days and asked if they were going somewhere. She said, “No, I just felt like it.” She told me that after a couple of weeks he started shaving before dinner.

I have a sweater I only wear when we go out. One Tuesday I put it on with a little perfume and made meatloaf. Tom came in from the garage and stopped in the doorway. He said, “Did I forget something.” I said no. He said, “You look nice.” Then he went upstairs and came back down in a clean shirt. We ate meatloaf at the kitchen table on a Tuesday in our good clothes and it felt like a date. The grandkids were not there. Nobody needed anything. We just sat and talked.

Dressing up a little when there is no reason tells your partner that they are the reason.

Send a short text in the middle of the day

I am not a big texter. Tom is worse. But Jill M., 38, of Roanoke, Virginia wrote that the thing that kept the spark alive in her marriage was a two line text around lunchtime. Nothing long. “Thinking about you.” Or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Or sometimes just a photo of something that reminded her of him. She said her husband started doing it too and now they both look forward to it.

Tom was at the hardware store. I texted him, “Hurry home. I miss you.” I sat there feeling foolish. My phone buzzed back ten minutes later. It said, “Me too. Getting ice cream.” He got the kind with the chocolate chunks that I like and that he does not. He did not say anything about the text when he got home. But the ice cream said it.

A few words in the middle of a day can carry a person all the way to evening.

Laugh when something is funny

Tom is funny. He has always been funny. Somewhere along the way I stopped laughing out loud at his jokes. I would smile or shake my head. I did not realize that until a reader pointed it out. Marjorie T. from Duluth wrote in a second time and said the biggest change in her marriage came when she let herself laugh again. She said her husband told her he had thought she stopped finding him funny years ago and had mostly given up trying.

That hit me. So the next time Tom said something dry about the neighbor’s new mailbox, I laughed. Really laughed. He looked at me like I had startled him. Then he kept going. He did a whole bit about the mailbox. I laughed until I had to wipe my eyes. He was so pleased with himself that he told the same bit to our middle one on the phone that night. He has been making more jokes since. I think he had been saving them up.

Letting someone make you laugh gives them a reason to keep trying.

Sit on the same side of the table

This one came from a few readers who are dating. They said the moment they knew a date was going well was when the other person moved to sit beside them instead of across. Dana W. from Albuquerque wrote that her boyfriend did it on their third date at a diner and she felt her stomach flip. She said sitting across from someone is an interview and sitting beside them is a secret.

Tom and I have sat across from each other at our kitchen table for thirty years. One evening I brought my plate around to his side. He looked at my chair, then at me. He said, “Everything okay.” I said I wanted to sit by him. He scooted over to make room. We ate with our elbows bumping. He stole a bite of my potatoes. I stole one of his. At one point he put his hand on my knee under the table and left it there. We did not talk about anything important. It was the best dinner we had had in months.

Where you sit changes what the meal feels like, and closer is almost always better.

Keep something for yourself

The last one surprised me. Roberta C. from Bangor said the most attractive thing she ever did was have her own life. She joined a book club and a walking group. She said her husband started asking what she had read and who she had seen. He wanted to be let in. She told me that being a little unavailable now and then made him come toward her instead of taking her for granted.

I had let my own friendships go quiet after the kids left. I was home all the time. So I started going to lunch with a friend on Wednesdays and I did not report back right away. The first Wednesday Tom asked how it went the minute I walked in. I said it was nice and went to change. He followed me upstairs and asked what we talked about. I told him some of it. He sat on the edge of the bed and listened. He said, “You seem happy.” I said I was. He said, “Good.” Then he asked if I wanted to go for a walk after supper. He has not asked me that in years.

Having a life of your own gives your partner something to be curious about, and curiosity is the start of chemistry.

Leave a note where they will find it

I added this one myself. My mother used to leave notes for my father in his lunch pail. Nothing fancy. “Eat your apple.” “Home by six.” He kept every one in a cigar box. I found them after he passed. I had forgotten about those notes until all this flirting business got me thinking.

I wrote on the grocery pad, under “milk” and “onions,” the words “You still make me laugh.” I did not say anything. The next morning the pad was gone from the fridge. I found it that night on my pillow. Under my line Tom had written, “You still make me nervous. In a good way.” I have not thrown that page out. It is in the drawer with the good dish towels where I will see it every Sunday when the kids and grandkids come.

A note is a small thing that says you were thinking of someone when they were not in the room, and that is worth more than most of what we say out loud.

We are not the couple at the next table. We are the couple at the booth who has been married a long time and knows how the other one takes their coffee. But chemistry is not something that only happens at the start. It is something you make. It turns out most of the moves that made it the first time still work. You just have to remember to do them.

Which of these would you try first with the person across your own table?