Old-Fashioned Marriage Habits from the ’60s Couples Swear By

The weekend after our youngest left for college, Tom and I finally cleaned out the hall closet. We had been putting it off for years. Behind the winter coats and the broken vacuum we found a shoebox of cards and letters from our wedding. Most of them came from older couples we knew back then. Many of those couples were married in the sixties. Some of them are gone now. Some are still together.

Tom and I sat on the hall floor and read every card. A lot of them had advice tucked in with the congratulations. Some of it sounded old-fashioned even when we got married. Some of it sounded wise. Reading it again after thirty years of marriage, I could see which habits those couples actually lived by. I had watched them do it.

So this post is what came out of that shoebox. It is not expert advice. It is what Tom and I saw in the long-married couples we knew, and what we tried in our own kitchen. Here is what those couples swore by.

Eat supper at the table at the same time every evening

In the shoebox Tom and I found a card from a couple who had us over for Sunday dinner when we were newlyweds. The wife wrote that supper at the table was the glue. I remember that house. The table was set by half past five whether anyone was hungry or not. The television stayed off. Tom and I kept that habit when our kids were small, and we mostly kept it after our kids left. Some nights it is just a sandwich and a bowl of soup. We still sit down across from each other. The plain truth is that a shared meal gives a marriage a daily meeting that nobody has to schedule.

Say good morning before anything else

Tom and I read a letter on the hall floor from an older couple from our church. The husband wrote that the first words of the day set the tone. I thought about that the next morning. I had been reaching for my phone before I even looked at Tom. He was already in the kitchen with coffee. I walked in and said good morning and asked how he slept. It felt a little silly and also a little nice. We have done it every day since that closet cleanout. A real greeting in the morning tells your spouse that he comes before the news and the email.

Keep a standing evening that belongs to the marriage

A card in the shoebox came from a couple who went to the same diner every Friday night for decades. I remember seeing them there when I was young. Same booth, same waitress, same order. Tom and I laughed about that on the hall floor. Then Tom asked when our last real evening out had been. Neither of us could remember. So we picked Thursday. Not fancy. Sometimes it is a drive and a milkshake. Sometimes it is a movie at home with the phones in a drawer. A standing evening does not have to be special. It only has to be kept.

Leave short notes where your spouse will find them

Tucked in the shoebox Tom and I found a note I had forgotten. An older neighbor had written to me that she left her husband a note in his lunch pail every workday for years. Just a line. Just his name and a word or so. I tried it the Monday after the closet cleanout. I wrote on a scrap of paper and put it under Tom’s coffee mug. He did not say anything about it. But the next day there was a note on my pillow in his bad handwriting. A short note costs nothing and tells your spouse that he was on your mind.

Kiss at the door every time you leave or come home

On the hall floor Tom and I read a card from a couple who had been married since the early part of the sixties. The husband had written only a line. Kiss at the door, every time. When Tom and I were young we did this without thinking. Somewhere in the years of carpools and work it faded to a wave. After we read that card, Tom started walking me to the door when I left for errands. It felt odd for about a week. Now I miss it when he forgets. A kiss at the door marks the leaving and the coming back as something that matters.

Talk about money out loud and on a regular day

In the shoebox was a letter from a couple who had a habit I had always noticed. Every Sunday afternoon the two of them sat at the kitchen table with the checkbook. Nobody raised a voice. They just went through it. Tom and I used to avoid money talk until something went wrong. Then it was a fight. After the closet cleanout we tried the Sunday table. We pay bills together and look at what is coming. It takes half an hour and it is boring. Boring is the point. Regular money talk keeps small worries from turning into big surprises.

Do the chores side by side when you can

Tom rakes leaves on Saturday mornings. He has done it for as long as I have known him. One card from the shoebox reminded me of an older couple who did yard work as a pair, every Saturday, him raking and her bagging. After we read the card, I went out with Tom the next Saturday and held the bags. We did not talk about anything important. We talked about the neighbor’s dog and the gutters. The leaves got done faster and I knew what Tom had been muttering about all these years. Working side by side gives a marriage easy hours together with no pressure to be interesting.

Go to bed at the same time most nights

Among the cards Tom and I found a note from a couple who always went upstairs together. I remember the wife saying it to me once. She said they turned off the lights at the same time, and that was when they really talked. Tom and I had fallen into a pattern where he went up early and I stayed with the television. Not on purpose. It just happened. After the closet cleanout we tried going up together. Some nights we read. Some nights we talk about nothing. Going to bed at the same time gives you a quiet place at the end of each day that belongs only to the marriage.

Settle the quarrel, or at least call a truce, before sleep

The old saying about not going to bed angry was written in more cards than any other line in that shoebox. Tom and I rolled our eyes at it a little on the hall floor. Nobody solves a real problem at midnight. But the older couples we knew did not mean solve it. They meant do not let it harden overnight. Tom and I have a version that works for us. When we are stuck, we say that we will finish this tomorrow, and we say goodnight anyway. Calling a truce before sleep keeps a fight from turning into a cold week.

Keep a few things between the pair of you only

A letter in the shoebox came from a woman who had been married a long time. She wrote that she never told her sister the private business of her marriage. I thought about that on the hall floor. It is easy to vent to friends or to the kids. I have done it. But the older couples we knew had a line they did not cross. Tom’s worries were Tom’s to share, not mine. After the closet cleanout, I caught myself about to tell our oldest something Tom had said in confidence, and I stopped. Keeping some things private protects your spouse’s trust and your own.

Speak well of your spouse when he is out of the room

One of the older couples from the shoebox had a habit I noticed at every gathering. The husband bragged about his wife’s pies and her good sense whenever she was in the kitchen and could not hear him. She did the same about his patience. On the hall floor I asked Tom what he says about me to his friends. He got a little red and said he tells them I am the smart part of the marriage. I did not know that. The next week I said something kind about Tom to a friend, on purpose, and it made me warmer toward him all day. Praise behind your spouse’s back changes how you treat him to his face.

Dress up a little for each other now and then

In the shoebox was a photo of an older couple at our wedding. The wife had on a good dress and earrings. The husband was in a suit that was out of date even then. They looked pleased with each other. Tom and I had slid into sweatpants most evenings after the kids left. There was no reason not to. But after the closet cleanout I put on a nice blouse and a little lipstick for our Thursday evening out. Tom noticed. He wore the shirt I like. Nobody else saw. Making an effort with your appearance now and then tells your spouse that he is still worth the trouble.

Sit outside together after supper

Tom and I found a card in the shoebox from a couple who sat on their front step every evening in good weather. I remember driving past them. Two chairs, a pitcher of tea, no television. After we read the card, Tom dragged our patio chairs out of the garage. We had not used them since the kids were teenagers. Now when the dishes are done we go sit outside until the bugs win. We talk about the yard or the news or nothing. Some nights we just sit. A plain habit of sitting together after supper gives a marriage daily quiet time without having to plan it.

Keep a weekly outing that you never skip

A note in the shoebox came from a couple who had the same Sunday routine for most of their married life. Church, then the same café, then a drive. Rain or sick or tired, they went. Tom and I used to have a Saturday farmers market habit when the kids were small. It stopped when the kids had sports. On the hall floor we decided to start it back up. The market is smaller now and the bread is pricier. We go anyway. A weekly outing that is never skipped gives a marriage a fixed point that does not depend on anybody’s mood.

Dance in the kitchen when a good song comes on

In the shoebox Tom and I found a card from an older couple who danced at every wedding, including ours. The husband wrote that he still danced with his wife in the kitchen when the radio played something good. I laughed on the hall floor because Tom cannot dance. He never could. But a few days later a song came on while I was doing dishes and Tom came up behind me and took the dish towel out of my hands. We shuffled around the kitchen floor for a minute. It was clumsy and it was lovely. Dancing badly in the kitchen is a small way to remember you still like each other.

Ask about the day and then actually listen to the answer

One of the letters in the shoebox came from a woman who wrote that her husband asked how her day went every single evening. More than that, she said he waited for the whole answer. Tom and I both asked about the day, but we often asked while looking at something else. After the closet cleanout I tried putting my hands in my lap and looking at Tom while he answered. He noticed and talked longer. I learned things about his week I would have missed. Asking about the day is easy. Listening to the whole answer is the part that makes it count.

Say thank you for the ordinary work

Tom and I read a card on the hall floor from a couple who thanked each other out loud for plain things. Thanks for supper. Thanks for taking out the trash. I remember thinking as a newlywed that it sounded stiff. Now I understand it. After thirty years it is easy to stop noticing who did what. After the closet cleanout, Tom thanked me for making the coffee and I nearly dropped the pot. Then I thanked him for fixing the closet shelf, and he stood a little taller. Thanking your spouse for routine work keeps the work from feeling invisible.

Hold hands when you are out together

A photo in the shoebox showed an older couple at a picnic, holding hands while they walked to the car. I remember they always did that. In the grocery store, at church, in the parking lot. Tom and I had stopped at some point. I do not know when. After we read the cards, we went to the hardware store and Tom reached for my hand in the parking lot. I felt a little self-conscious. Then I felt about twenty years younger. Holding hands in public is a quiet way to say that you still belong to each other.

Share a small project or hobby

In the shoebox was a card from a couple who grew tomatoes together every summer. The husband built the stakes and the wife did the canning. They argued about the tomatoes every year, and they loved it. Tom and I had drifted into separate hobbies after our kids left. His were in the garage and mine were in the sewing room. After the closet cleanout we picked a shared project, which was fixing up the back porch. We do not agree on the paint color. We are still doing it together. A shared project gives a marriage something to talk about that is not bills or the kids.

Spend time with other long-married friends

Many of the cards in the shoebox came from couples who were friends with each other. They had dinner in a loose group for decades. I remember being a young wife at those dinners and listening to the women. They were honest about their husbands and still kind. Tom and I had let our couple friendships slide while raising three kids. On the hall floor we decided to invite two friends over for supper. Nothing fancy. Pot roast, and Tom claimed the end piece as always. We stayed up late. Friends who are also long married remind you that the ordinary troubles of marriage are normal.

Let the small irritations go without a word

One of the older women from the shoebox once told me that she decided early on which of her husband’s habits were worth a fight. Most were not. Her card to us said to pick carefully. Tom leaves cabinet doors open. He has done it for the whole of our marriage. On the hall floor I realized I had mentioned it probably a thousand times and nothing changed. After the closet cleanout, I just started closing the doors and saying nothing. I feel better. Tom feels less nagged. Letting small irritations pass saves your energy for the things that actually matter.

Mark the anniversary every year even if it is quiet

A card in the shoebox came from a couple who never missed an anniversary in all their decades. Some years it was a trip. Some years it was a cake from the grocery store eaten at the kitchen table. The wife wrote that the point was to stop and notice. Tom and I had skipped our anniversary more than once when the kids were young and money was tight. We told ourselves it did not matter. After the closet cleanout we agreed to mark it every year from now on, even if it is just a walk and a nice supper at home. Noticing the anniversary tells your spouse that the years counted.

Keep your word on the small promises

The last card Tom and I read on the hall floor came from a man who had been married a long time. He wrote that trust is built on small promises, not big ones. If you say you will call, call. If you say you will fix the faucet this weekend, fix it this weekend. I thought about all the small things Tom and I had promised and forgotten. The faucet in the hall bathroom had dripped for months. Tom fixed it the next day. I had promised to go through the photo boxes and I did. Keeping small promises is how your spouse learns that the big ones can be trusted.

Tom and I put the shoebox back in the closet, on a shelf where we can reach it. We did not keep every habit those older couples swore by. Some did not fit us. But we kept more than I expected, and the house felt less quiet for it. Those couples from the sixties did not have anything we do not have. They just did the plain things over and over for a long time. Which of these habits would you try first in your own kitchen?