Smart Ways to Handle Inherited Family Stuff Without Guilt

The weekend after the leaves were done, Tom went down to the basement for the folding chairs and came back up holding a cardboard box with the bottom hanging open. Half of it was still downstairs on the floor. A string of lights, a wooden nativity, two ceramic angels, and a stack of paper plates from a birthday party for one of the kids. The box had been down there since before our youngest left for college.

We stood in the kitchen and looked at each other. We have been married more than thirty years. We have raised three kids in this house. Somewhere along the way the basement filled up with our own holiday things and with boxes that came to us from both sides of the family. None of it was sorted. All of it was waiting for someone to decide.

That night I found a long thread in a Reddit group for women over sixty. They had all been through this. Some had lost parents. Some were downsizing. Some were just tired of hauling bins up the stairs every December. I read it over a week of evenings while Tom did the crossword, and I kept a notepad on the table. Here are the twelve ideas I pulled out of it and what happened when we tried them.

Switch to plastic bins before anything else

On Monday morning I drove to the hardware store and bought a stack of the big plastic totes with the snap lids. They were on sale. Tom raised an eyebrow at the trunk full of them, but he hauled them down the stairs without a word. By noon we had moved everything out of the soft old cardboard and into bins that stack. Nothing was going to fall through the bottom again.

The advice came from a woman in the thread who had stored her kids’ things for years.

the only addendum I’d make is get plastic storage bins (like Rubbermaid) and use those for each kid. Much better than cardboard boxes if you’re going to store them for a few years or more. They go on sale regularly, and are easy to label and stack!

u/PorchDogs on r/AskWomenOver60

She was right about the labels. I used a strip of masking tape and a marker and wrote the name of the kid or the holiday on the end of each bin so we could read it from across the room. It took an afternoon, and the basement looked like a different place by supper.

If you are going to keep anything for more than a season, give it a box that will still be a box in five years.

Tuck a sliver of soap in each tote

Tuesday night I was reading in bed and laughed out loud. Tom asked what was funny. I told him one of the women in the thread had a trick for keeping mice and that musty smell out of the bins.

Pop a sliver of Irish Spring soap in each tote.

u/PersonalityFuture151 on r/AskWomenOver60

The next morning I cut up a bar from the bathroom cabinet and dropped a piece in every bin before I snapped the lid. The basement smelled like a clean man for a week. Tom said it reminded him of his grandfather. I did not ask whether that was a compliment.

A small cheap step today saves you from opening a bin in ten years and wishing you had not.

Expect the living things to show up too

Wednesday I got to a comment that stopped me cold and then made me laugh so hard I had to read it to Tom twice. A woman described losing three parents in two years. She and her husband set the stuff up on folding tables, took pictures, and let everyone claim what they wanted. That part was sensible. The ending was the part I did not see coming.

Between my husband and I we lost 3 parents in two years and the only living parent moved to a senior residence. I felt like the amount of stuff we processed was glacial. We would set everything up on those plastic folding tables, take pictures and send out to everyone who might want stuff and had a few claim by dates. It was good. One of sisters wanted all the books. My daughter who moved out got dishes, pots and pans, and yep—decorations. The funniest part was getting our dead parents cats. 3 in total; along with our one. It’s been over two years now and they are still living their lives out with us. Each with a different opinion about the circumstances. 🤣

u/tharpakandro on r/AskWomenOver60

They ended up with the parents’ cats. All of them. We have never had to take in a pet from a parent, but we have taken in a rocking chair nobody wanted and a set of golf clubs nobody plays with. The lesson is the same. Estates do not stop at the things in boxes. They include whatever was alive and loved in that house.

When you sort a parent’s home, plan for the things that cannot go in a bin.

Label every photo and keep a list

By Thursday I had decided to take pictures of the family pieces and send them to all three kids. Then I remembered what happened the last time I tried something like this. Two of them both said they wanted “the blue bowl” and we had three blue bowls. Nobody got one. One woman in the thread had solved exactly this problem.

I labeled the photos 1A, 1B etc because there was ALOT and didn’t want responses like “I want the Necklace” when there were several. I made spreadsheets to track who claimed what, for example 1A goes to Erin.

u/Nansjemma68 on r/AskWomenOver60

So I numbered each photo. The serving platter got a number. Each ornament set got a number. I made a simple list on a sheet of lined paper with the number on the left and a blank on the right for whoever claimed it. Tom thought it was overkill. By Saturday the list had settled two arguments before they started.

A number on a photo and a name on a list keeps the peace better than any speech.

Sort the boxes with your kids in the room

Our oldest came by Friday evening to pick up a casserole dish and stayed three hours in the basement with me. We opened bins together. Most of it went in the giveaway pile. But every third thing came with a story. A paper chain from school. A plastic reindeer that had been in a window every year. A woman in the thread had done the same thing with her son.

Also, if your kids are willing to give you some physical help to go through the stuff, you can find out what memories they have. I did this with my son and he didn’t want to keep any of it, but we had such a good time as he reminisced about the stuff he did remember (and made fun of stuff he didn’t remember).

u/lelandra on r/AskWomenOver60

I understood her completely. My child did not want most of it. But we sat on the basement steps and laughed until Tom came down to see what the noise was. That was worth more than any ornament.

Let your kids help you sort, because the memories come out while the boxes are open.

Post it to a buy nothing group

Saturday morning Tom was out raking and I was staring at two bins of decorations that none of our kids wanted and I did not want either. Perfectly good things. A wreath, some lights, a tabletop tree. I remembered a woman in the thread who had gotten rid of her extras through a neighborhood group online.

I still chuckle when I remember giving two boxes of my own Christmas decorations away when i downsized. A sweet family came in response to a buy nothing post on FB. I can imagine their surprise when they discovered the 18” tall black Santa in their haul. They were not black. .

u/PersonalityFuture151 on r/AskWomenOver60

Her story about the surprise in the box made me laugh. I posted a picture of our two bins. By suppertime a young couple with a toddler had carried them out of the garage. They said it was their first Christmas in a house of their own. I did not feel one bit of guilt watching those bins go.

Someone nearby is just starting out and would be thrilled with what you are tired of.

Let the rest go to Goodwill

Sunday after church we sat down with the pile that was left. Not the family pieces. Just the plain stuff we had bought over the years. Tom wanted to keep a plastic snowman because it had been on the porch for a long time. I asked him when he had last noticed it. He could not say. One woman in the thread was blunt about this exact feeling.

You could ask your kids to choose a few things they like best and the rest go to Goodwill. Stuff is a burden. You absolutely do not need to hang on to something just because your parents bought it 30 years ago. I have a very few holiday decorations from my parents (maybe three?) that make me happy. I got rid of everything else and never looked back.

u/AMTL327 on r/AskWomenOver60

She kept a handful of things from her parents that made her happy and let the rest go. That gave me permission. We loaded the car. The snowman went too. Tom said goodbye to it in the parking lot, which I think was mostly for my benefit.

Keeping something only because someone once paid for it is not a reason.

Give the keepers one spot on the table

Once the pile was gone, I had a small stack of pieces left. A wooden angel, a glass bell, a couple of old ornaments. Not many. I did not want to bury them in a bin again. One woman in the thread had a simple answer. She bought one large plate and put her holiday keepsakes on it in the middle of her kitchen table.

I bought a beautiful large olive plate. About 24″ wide and it is placed on my kitchen table. This is where I put my holiday decorations.

u/Tess47 on r/AskWomenOver60

I had a big shallow dish in the back of a cupboard that had not seen daylight in years. I set it in the center of our table and arranged the few family pieces on it. Tom moved the salt and pepper to make room. Now the things we kept are where we eat, not where we store.

If a piece is worth keeping, it is worth being seen.

Call Habitat for a pickup

Monday of the second week we still had some furniture in the garage that had come to us years ago. A dresser, a side table, a lamp. Too heavy for the Goodwill drop-off. Too nice to leave at the curb. A woman in the thread who had cleared out after her mother passed had a plain approach.

I’m Gen X. My parents are/were boomers. My dad is still alive and married My mom died 8 years ago. I took what I wanted and had habitat for humanity pick up the rest.

u/BreyerChick on r/AskWomenOver60

She took what she wanted and let a charity pick up the rest from her driveway. I called the Habitat store in our area. They came Thursday with a truck. Two men carried the dresser out in less time than it had taken Tom and me to argue about it.

A donation pickup turns a month of dread into one phone call.

Host a put up and take down party

With the basement cleared, I started thinking about the actual holiday. Every year it has been Tom and me on ladders. The kids show up when the house is already done. One woman in the thread had a different plan. She turned the decorating into an event and got her grown kids to do the work and to take things home afterward.

Invite your grown kids to put-up and takedown parties and get them to take as much of the stuff as possible, too. Absent yourself from the whole tradition.

u/SaltyFriend705 on r/AskWomenOver60

I liked her nerve. I told the kids that this year the Saturday after Thanksgiving is a decorating party. Pot roast at noon. Tom gets the end piece as always. Then everyone grabs a bin. In January we will do it again in reverse and whoever hangs an ornament takes it home.

Make the decorating a family job and let the stuff leave with the family.

Ship the boxes straight to the kids

Two of our three kids live far enough away that a decorating party is a stretch. I was wondering how to get their share of the family things to them without waiting for a visit. A woman in the thread had just done it. She packed the boxes and sent them by UPS and let the box speak for itself.

The last time I packed up Christmas I put it in boxes and sent to kids UPS. The message is clear. They loved getting it all. Now let’s see if I am invited for Christmas

u/Stormy31568 on r/AskWomenOver60

Her last line about hoping she would still be invited for Christmas made me laugh. I packed two boxes that week, one for each of our far away kids, with a note inside. Tom carried them to the counter. The clerk asked if there was anything fragile. I said only the memories, and she did not laugh, but I did.

A box in the mail delivers the heirloom and the message at the same time.

Gift a few to a women’s shelter

The last comment I wrote down was from a woman who was juggling grown kids and younger ones and the belongings of family members she had lost. Her idea was gentler than the rest. As you unpack the decorations each year, let the family choose a few to give to a women’s shelter, and tuck in a note about the piece.

Poster has adult kids AND younger kids, plus losing family members and trying to manage their heirlooms. Best advice, let them choose some to gift to a woman’s shelter as you’re unpacking them each year. If you have time, include a note about the decoration and how you hope it will bless them.

u/Ok_Beginning_5739 on r/AskWomenOver60

I thought about that for a long time. Some of the things in our bins had been on a tree in a house full of kids. A shelter is full of kids who need a tree. I set aside a small bag of ornaments and wrote a few lines about each one. The grandkids are going to help me pick the rest when they visit this weekend.

Passing a decoration to someone who needs it turns leftover stuff into a gift.

The basement is quiet now. The bins are stacked, labeled, and smell faintly of soap. The kitchen table has a dish of family pieces on it that we see every morning. The kids have their numbered lists and their boxes. Tom has one less snowman and seems to be recovering.

I did not feel guilty about any of it, and I expected to. What I felt was lighter. The things that mattered are where we can see them or where our kids can use them. The rest went to people who were glad to have it.

What is the one box in your house that you have been afraid to open?