If Your Partner Demands These Things from You, I Think It’s Time You Walk Away

Last February a storm kept us inside for most of a week. My husband Tom shoveled the walk twice a day and I sat at the kitchen table with a stack of printed replies from readers of this blog. A few weeks before the storm I had asked a simple question on the site. What was the demand that finally made you leave? I expected a handful of answers. I got hundreds.

I read them in the order they came in, with a pot of coffee going and the snow piling up against the back door. Tom would come in, stamp his boots, read one or two over my shoulder, and go back out. By the end of the week I had sorted the replies into twelve piles. The same demands came up again and again, from women and men, young and old, married for two years or married for thirty years.

I am not a counselor. I have been married to Tom for more than thirty years and I raised three kids, and that is the only experience I bring to this. But I know what a fair request sounds like and I know what a demand sounds like. The replies below are from real readers. If any of these sound like your house, please read to the end, because some of this is bigger than a blog post.

Giving up your passwords is not proof of love

The first reply I pulled from the pile that snowy week came from Renee K., 54, from Toledo, Ohio. Renee wrote that her husband asked for the password to her phone a month after the wedding. Renee gave it to him because she had nothing to hide. Within a year the husband was reading every text before Renee saw it and asking why a coworker had sent a smiley face. Renee said the demand never stopped growing. First the phone, then the email, then the bank login, then a tracking app.

I read that one to my husband Tom while he warmed up by the stove. Tom has never once asked for my phone and I have never asked for his. We both know where the other one is because we tell each other.

A partner who demands your passwords is not building trust. That partner is building a case.

A partner who demands you drop your friends wants you alone

Marcy D., 41, from Spokane, Washington, sent one of the longer replies I read during the storm. Marcy’s boyfriend had a complaint about every friend Marcy had. One friend drank too much. One friend was a bad influence. One friend was secretly jealous of the relationship. Marcy wrote that she cut each friend loose to keep the peace, one at a time, until she looked up and had no one left to call.

The afternoon I read that reply, my oldest friend called to check that our power was still on. We talked for twenty minutes about nothing. My husband Tom waved from the doorway and went back to shoveling. Tom has never once asked me to give up a friend, and I have never asked that of Tom.

When a partner demands you drop your friends, the goal is not a better relationship. The goal is a smaller world with only one person in it.

Accounting for every minute of your day is not a fair request

A reader named Joanne T., 63, from Little Rock, Arkansas, wrote that her husband wanted a full report every evening. Not a chat about her day. A report. Where did Joanne go, who did Joanne see, how long did the errand take, why did it take that long. Joanne said she started keeping a notebook in the car so she would have the answers ready. Joanne wrote that the notebook was the thing that made her realize something was wrong.

I thought about that while I made a sandwich for my husband Tom around noon. Tom asked me how my morning was. I said I had read about forty replies and cried over two of them. Tom nodded and ate his sandwich. That was the whole report.

A partner who demands an accounting of every hour is not interested in your day. That partner is checking for a crime.

Handing over control of your own money should never be required

Dale P., 47, from Fort Wayne, Indiana, was one of several men who replied to my question. Dale wrote that his wife demanded his paycheck be deposited into an account only she could access. Dale got an allowance each week. Dale said he had to ask permission to buy his own mother a birthday gift. Dale wrote that he stayed for six years because he thought a good husband let his wife manage the household.

My husband Tom and I have shared an account since the wedding and we also each keep a little that is our own. Nobody asks. Nobody checks. When I read Dale’s reply to Tom, he shook his head and said a grown man should be able to buy his mother a present.

A partner who demands total control of the money is not managing a household. That partner is holding the keys to the door.

Cutting off your own family is a demand, not a boundary

Several of the replies I sorted that week were about family. Teresa M., 38, from Albuquerque, New Mexico, wrote that her husband told her to stop calling her sister. The husband said the sister disrespected him. Then the demand grew to include Teresa’s parents, then a cousin, then holidays. Teresa wrote that she missed her father’s last Christmas because her husband said going would be choosing her family over the marriage.

That reply stayed with me. My kids and my grandkids drive over on weekends and my husband Tom is usually the one standing at the window watching for the car. Tom has in-laws and I have in-laws and we have both bitten our tongues plenty, but neither of us has ever told the other one to stay away from blood.

A partner who demands you cut off your family is not protecting the marriage. That partner is removing the people who would notice something was wrong.

Being told what you can wear is not a compliment

Alicia R., 29, from Tampa, Florida, wrote that her boyfriend started by saying he liked her better in longer skirts. Alicia took it as a preference. Within a year the boyfriend was going through her closet and bagging up anything he called inappropriate. Alicia wrote that she wore a cardigan to the beach in July because the boyfriend said her shoulders were for him only.

I read that one out loud to my husband Tom when he came in from the cold. Tom laughed once, then stopped, because it was not funny. Tom has told me he likes a certain blue sweater on me. Tom has never told me I could not wear something. I have put on plenty of things over thirty years that Tom did not care for, and Tom kept it to himself.

A partner who demands control over your clothes is not expressing taste. That partner is deciding who you are allowed to be in public.

Taking the blame for someone else’s moods is not your job

Carol W., 58, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, wrote the reply that made me put down my coffee. Carol’s husband expected an apology every time he was in a bad mood. If dinner was late, Carol caused the anger. If the husband snapped at the kids, Carol had set him off. Carol wrote that she apologized so often that her youngest once asked why Mom was always sorry.

My husband Tom gets grumpy when the snowblower will not start, which it did not that week. Tom came in muttering and I did not say a word about it. Tom’s mood was Tom’s mood. An hour later he apologized for being short with me, and that was the end of it.

A partner who demands you apologize for that partner’s temper is not asking for peace. That partner is making you responsible for behavior that was never yours.

A relationship that must stay secret is not a healthy one

One reply came from a reader who signed only her first name, but most gave their full details. Nina B., 44, from Reno, Nevada, wrote that her husband demanded she never tell anyone what happened at home. Not her mother, not her friends, not a pastor, not a doctor. The husband called it privacy. Nina wrote that it took her a long time to understand that privacy protects two people and secrecy protects one.

My husband Tom and I keep plenty private. Nobody needs to know every argument we have had. But I have never been told I could not speak. My sister knows the rough patches. My friends know the rough patches. Tom knows that I talk, and Tom talks too.

A partner who demands that nobody ever learn what goes on inside the house is not asking for discretion. That partner is making sure no one can help you.

Intimacy that is demanded as a debt is not intimacy

I want to be plain about this one, because several readers were. Sharon L., 51, from Chattanooga, Tennessee, wrote that her husband told her sex was owed. Not wanted, not hoped for. Owed. Sharon wrote that saying no led to days of punishment, silence, and accusations. Sharon said she stopped saying no, and then she stopped feeling anything at all.

My husband Tom and I have been married more than thirty years and there have been seasons when one of us was tired, sick, grieving, or just not in the mood. Neither of us has ever treated the other one like a bill that came due.

A partner who demands intimacy as something you owe is not asking for closeness. That partner is describing a transaction, and you are not the one who set the terms.

Choosing between a partner and your children is not a real choice

Greg S., 55, from Omaha, Nebraska, wrote that his second wife told him his grown daughter could not visit anymore. The wife said the daughter was rude and the house belonged to the wife now. Greg wrote that he was told to pick. Greg picked his daughter, and he wrote that it was the easiest hard decision he ever made.

That reply came in on the day my kids called to say the roads were too bad for the Sunday visit. My husband Tom was more disappointed than I was. Tom and I built this house for those kids and now for those grandkids, and the idea of either of us barring the door to them does not fit anywhere in my head.

A partner who demands you choose between that partner and your children is not asking for loyalty. That partner is asking you to give up the people you are responsible for.

Being forbidden to complain is not the same as peace

Marian F., 67, from Scranton, Pennsylvania, wrote that in forty years of marriage she was never once allowed to raise a complaint. Her husband called any concern nagging. Marian wrote that she learned to swallow everything, from a leaking faucet to a lost job, because bringing it up meant a fight that went on for days. Marian wrote that the quiet in her house was not peace. It was fear.

My husband Tom and I argue. Not every day, but regularly, over small things and sometimes over big things. I have told Tom when something he did hurt me and Tom has told me the same. It is never comfortable. It is also the only way either of us ever learned anything.

A partner who demands silence instead of honest complaints is not keeping the peace. That partner is making sure nothing ever has to change.

A partner who demands you prove yourself with tests does not trust you

Danielle H., 33, from Boise, Idaho, wrote that her boyfriend set up tests. The boyfriend would leave his phone unlocked to see if Danielle looked. The boyfriend would say he was going out and then sit in the car to see what Danielle did. The boyfriend would ask a question he already knew the answer to and wait for a lie. Danielle wrote that she passed every test and it never mattered, because there was always a new one.

I read that one to my husband Tom and he said he would not know how to set a trap for me if he tried. Tom and I have had plenty of reasons to doubt each other over thirty years, and the fix was always a conversation, not a test.

A partner who demands you keep proving your faithfulness is not looking for proof. That partner is looking for a reason.

Threats to make you stay are the clearest sign of all

The last pile I sorted that snowy week was the one I had been avoiding. Patrice G., 46, from Dayton, Ohio, wrote that when she first said she might leave, her husband told her she would never see the kids again. Then the husband said he would ruin her at work. Then the husband said something about what would happen to her if she tried. Patrice wrote that she did leave, with help from a hotline and a sister, and that the help was the only reason she got out safely.

I need to say this plainly. If a partner threatens you, your children, your job, or your safety to keep you from leaving, this is beyond anything I can offer at my kitchen table. Call a domestic violence hotline or talk to a professional who does this work. Make a plan with them before you make a move.

A partner who demands you stay through threats is not asking for commitment. That partner is telling you exactly what the relationship is.

The snow melted by the following weekend and my kids and my grandkids made it over for Sunday dinner. My husband Tom carved the pot roast and took the end piece like he always does. I looked around the table and thought about all those readers, and about how many of them had sat at a table like mine and wondered whether what they were living with was normal. Reading their words, I kept seeing the same thing. A request leaves you room to say no. A demand does not. If something in these twelve piles sounded like your house, which one did you recognize first?