Ladies, Here’s How to Tell If He Secretly Likes You

This spring I asked the readers of this blog a simple question. How did a man show that he liked you before he ever said a word? The replies filled my inbox for most of April. I printed them and read them on the back porch in the evenings while my husband Tom worked in the garden beds. Tom and I have been married more than thirty years. Reading those replies, I kept thinking about how Tom acted back when we were first dating. Tom was never a smooth talker. Tom just kept showing up.

That is the thing about a man who secretly likes you. He rarely announces it. He does small things instead. Most of the women who wrote to me said the same thing in different words. The signs were there the whole time. They just did not look like much on their own.

So here are the fourteen small signs that came up over and over in the replies, with a few of my own memories from the porch mixed in. None of these signs is proof by itself. Taken together, they usually mean something.

He remembers the small things you mention in passing

Donna R., 58, of Toledo, Ohio, wrote about a man in her church group. Donna had mentioned once, in a crowd, that she could not find her favorite brand of tea anymore. Donna forgot she had even said it. A month later this man handed her a box of that tea. He had found it at a store across town. Donna said she stood there holding the box and finally understood what had been going on for weeks.

I read that reply to my husband Tom on the porch. Tom nodded and went back to his tomato plants. Tom did the same kind of thing when we were dating. I said once that I liked a certain radio station. The next time I got in Tom’s truck, that station was already on.

A man who likes you keeps the details. He does not have to try. The details stay with him because you said them.

He finds reasons to be where you are

When my husband Tom and I were first getting to know each other, Tom started turning up at the same Friday night gathering my friends went to. Tom had never come before. Tom did not say much when he got there. Tom stood near the door, said hello to everyone, and ended up next to me by the end of the night every single time.

My friends noticed before I did. I thought Tom just liked the group. One of my friends finally pointed out that Tom left when I left. That was the pattern. Tom arrived after me and left after me, week after week.

A man who likes you arranges his week around you without saying so. He finds a reason to be in the room. If you look back and he is always there, that is not an accident.

He looks at you when something is funny

Marcy L., 34, of Spokane, Washington, wrote about a coworker. When anyone in the office told a joke, this man looked over at Marcy to see if she was laughing. Marcy said it was quick, just a glance, and then he looked away. It happened in every meeting. Marcy did not think much of it until a friend asked why that man always checked on her reaction.

That one stuck with me. I have watched my husband Tom do it at family dinners for years. Something funny happens at the table and Tom looks at me first. After more than thirty years, I know what that look means.

A man who likes you wants to share the moment with you. When something is funny, he checks to see if you thought so too. He is not looking at the room. He is looking at you.

He fixes things you never asked him to fix

Renee K., 47, of Macon, Georgia, wrote about a neighbor. Renee had a gate latch that stuck. Renee had complained about it to no one. One Saturday she came home and the latch worked. The neighbor said he had been walking by and noticed. Renee said that man had also noticed her porch light was out, and that was fixed the next week.

My husband Tom did this when we were dating. Tom replaced a loose step on my parents’ front porch before Tom ever asked me out. My mother commented on it. My mother said a man does not fix a step for a girl he does not care about.

A man who likes you looks for ways to be useful to you. He does not ask for credit. He fixes the latch and hopes you notice.

He asks questions and actually waits for the answers

Pam S., 62, of Duluth, Minnesota, wrote about a man she met at a community class. Pam said she had been on plenty of dates where the man talked about himself the whole time. This man was different. He asked Pam about her kids. Then he asked a follow up question about one of them. Then he asked again a week later how that situation had turned out.

Pam said nobody had asked her a follow up question in years. That was when she started paying attention to this man.

I read that one twice. My husband Tom is a quiet man, but Tom asks questions. Tom asked about my family on our first few dates and remembered every answer.

A man who likes you is curious about your life. He asks, and then he listens. Then he remembers what you said and asks again later.

He gets a little awkward around you

Tasha W., 29, of Albany, New York, wrote about a man who was confident everywhere except near her. Tasha said this man was loud and easy with everyone else in their friend group. Around Tasha, he dropped things. He lost his train of thought. He laughed at the wrong times. Tasha thought at first that he did not like her. Her sister told her it was the opposite.

That made me laugh on the porch. My husband Tom spilled a full cup of coffee on our second date. Tom was so careful with that cup. Tom still spilled it. I thought he was clumsy. Tom told me years later that his hands were shaking.

A man who likes you may get worse at being smooth, not better. Nerves show up as clumsiness. If a confident man gets clumsy around you, pay attention.

He notices when something about you changes

Joan P., 55, of Tucson, Arizona, wrote that a man in her hiking group noticed her new haircut before her own daughter did. Joan said this man did not make a big deal of it. He just said it looked nice and kept walking. Joan said her daughter did not notice for three days. That is when Joan realized this man had been looking at her closely for a long time.

My husband Tom still notices. Tom will comment on new earrings before I have finished putting the second one on. Tom has done that since we were dating. Tom does not always say the right thing about the change, but Tom always sees it.

A man who likes you is paying close attention. A new haircut, new glasses, a different coat. He sees it right away because he has been looking.

His friends act strange when you walk up

Beth M., 41, of Fort Wayne, Indiana, wrote that she figured out a man liked her because of his friends, not because of him. Beth said the man himself was calm and polite. His friends were not. When Beth walked up, the friends went quiet, grinned, and found reasons to walk away and leave the two of them alone. Beth said the friends were worse at hiding it than he was.

That matches what I remember. My husband Tom’s buddies used to elbow each other when I came into a room. Tom pretended not to see it. I did not know what to make of it at the time.

A man who likes you has usually told his friends, or his friends have figured it out. Watch how the friends act. They often give the secret away first.

He reaches out with no real reason

Karen D., 66, of Boise, Idaho, wrote that a man from her book club started calling her to ask small questions. What time did the meeting start. Had she read the next chapter yet. Did she think the library would be open on the holiday. Karen said every one of those questions could have been answered by anyone. He called her.

Karen said she finally asked him why he kept calling. He admitted he just wanted to hear her voice. Karen said she wrote that line down so she would not forget it.

When my husband Tom and I were dating, Tom stopped by my parents’ house to return a book I had never lent him. My mother let him in anyway.

A man who likes you looks for an excuse to make contact. The reason is thin. The call or the visit is the point.

He takes your side when other people are around

Ellen T., 38, of Mobile, Alabama, wrote about a dinner with a group of friends. Someone at the table made a joke at Ellen’s expense. It was not mean, but it stung. One man at the table spoke up right away and said the joke was not fair. Ellen said the room went quiet for a second and then moved on. Ellen said she looked at that man differently from that moment forward.

I have been on the other end of this with my husband Tom. Tom does not argue much. But when someone talks over me at a family dinner, Tom says my name and asks what I was going to say. Tom has done that at every holiday table for years.

A man who likes you will not let you get stepped on in a group. He speaks up. He makes room for you.

He says your name more than he needs to

Gail F., 51, of Lincoln, Nebraska, wrote that she noticed a man at work saying her name at the start and end of nearly every sentence. Good morning, Gail. Did you see that email, Gail. Have a good night, Gail. Gail said no one else in the office used her name that much. Gail said it felt like he liked the sound of it.

I noticed the same thing with my husband Tom early on. Tom used my name when a simple hello would have done. Tom still does it. Tom will say my name across the kitchen and then not have anything to add.

A man who likes you likes saying your name. It is a small thing. It is a sure one. Count how often he uses it compared to how often other people do.

He makes time for you when he has none to spare

When my husband Tom and I were dating, Tom was working long hours. Tom was tired most of the time. Tom still drove over on weeknights to sit on my parents’ porch for a half hour before heading home to sleep. Tom never said this was a sacrifice. Tom just did it.

My mother pointed it out. My mother said a man who is tired and still comes by is telling you something. My mother said a man with all the time in the world who never comes by is telling you something too.

Several readers wrote about this same thing in different words. The man who liked them squeezed them into a full week. The man who did not like them always had a reason he could not make it.

A man who likes you finds the half hour. His time is the clearest sign he has.

He gives you the good seat and the best piece

My husband Tom claims the end piece of the pot roast now. Tom has claimed it for years. Our kids know it and our grandkids know it. But when Tom and I were dating, Tom gave me the end piece every single time. Tom gave me the seat with the back to the wall. Tom gave me the better umbrella when it rained.

I did not think about it at the time. I thought Tom was just polite. Tom was polite. Tom was also telling me something.

A reader wrote almost the same story about a man who always let her have the warm spot by the fire at a cabin weekend. She said he sat on the cold side all weekend without a word.

A man who likes you gives up the small comforts for you. The good chair. The last cookie. The end piece. Later, when he is sure of you, he may take the end piece back.

He uses the word we about things that have not happened yet

One of the last replies I read on the porch was from a woman who said she knew a man liked her because of a single word. He said we should try that new restaurant sometime. He said we ought to go see that movie. Nothing was planned. Nothing was asked. But the word was there, and it kept coming back.

My husband Tom did this before Tom ever asked me out. Tom talked about things we would do as if the matter were settled. I remember thinking it was presumptuous. I also remember that I did not mind.

A man who likes you starts to picture you in his plans. It slips out in his words before he means it to. Listen for the we. It shows up before the question does.

He keeps showing up even when nothing happens

The reply that stayed with me longest was short. A woman wrote that the man who liked her did not do anything dramatic. He just kept coming back. Week after week, with no promise from her and no real encouragement, he was there. She said she finally understood that steady showing up was the sign. All the other signs sat on top of that one.

That is my husband Tom in a sentence. Tom was not the most charming man I knew. Tom was the one who kept coming back. Tom came to the Friday gatherings. Tom fixed the step. Tom spilled the coffee and came back the next week anyway.

A man who likes you is consistent. He does not vanish for a month and reappear. He is there, and then he is there again, and after a while you stop wondering.

I put the last of the printed replies in a folder when the April evenings got warm enough that my husband Tom wanted to eat supper outside. I told Tom that most of the women who wrote to me had the same story. The signs were small. The signs were there. The man rarely said a word until long after.

I will add one plain caution. A friendly man can do a few of these things and mean nothing by it. A pushy man can do all of them and still not be someone you want around. The signs on this list are about a man who is kind and a little shy and paying attention. Trust what you see over what you hope.

Which of these small signs did you notice first, and how long did it take you to believe it?