The Types of Women Men Think About for the Rest of Their Lives, No Matter Who They End Up With

The rain came in the second week after our youngest left for college, and it did not let up for days. The house was quiet in a way I was still getting used to. I had asked the men who read this blog to write in and tell me about the women they still think about, even now, even years into a marriage or a long time after a breakup. I expected a handful of replies. I got a full inbox.

So every morning that week I sat at the kitchen table with coffee and read the replies while the rain hit the window over the sink. My husband Tom came in from the garage most mornings, poured a cup, and sat across from me. I read some of the replies out loud. Tom grunted at some and went quiet at others. By Sunday, when the kids and the grandkids came over for pot roast, I had a list.

I am not a counselor. I have just been married to the same man for more than thirty years and raised a family at this table. What follows is what those men told me, in their own words where I could use them, and what Tom and I made of it over that wet week.

A woman who believed he could do hard things stays with a man

On the first rainy morning I read a reply from Carl H., who is 58 and lives in Dayton, Ohio. Carl wrote about a woman he dated before his wife. Carl had wanted to go back to school in his twenties and everyone around him said it was a waste. This woman said, plainly, that Carl was smart enough and should go. Carl went. Carl married someone else years later, and loves his wife, but Carl still thinks of that woman whenever he hangs a diploma for one of his own kids.

I read that to my husband Tom. Tom set down his coffee and said that a man remembers the first person who did not laugh at him.

The lesson is simple. Men remember the woman who took them seriously before anyone else did.

Plain kindness in a hard moment is not forgotten

The second morning the rain was heavier and the kitchen was dark at breakfast. A reader named Doug M., 64, from Spokane, Washington, wrote about a woman he had barely dated. Doug’s father had died suddenly that spring. This woman showed up at Doug’s apartment with a casserole and sat with him. The woman did not say much. The woman washed his dishes and left. Doug said he has been married to a good woman for a long time, but he still thinks of that casserole every year on his father’s birthday.

My husband Tom listened to that reply and nodded. Tom said men do not forget being cared for when they are at their worst, because it does not happen to them often.

The lesson is this. A woman who is kind when there is nothing in it for her stays in a man’s memory.

Sharing the same sense of humor leaves a lasting mark

Midweek I read a reply that made me laugh out loud at the table. Ray T., who is 49 and lives in Tucson, Arizona, wrote about a woman from his first job. Ray and this woman would catch each other’s eye across a meeting and have to look away to keep from laughing. Nothing ever came of it. Ray is married now, and happily, but Ray said when something funny happens at work he still thinks of her before he thinks of anyone else.

I read that one to my husband Tom. Tom laughed too. Tom said that Tom married me partly because I laughed at the same dumb things he did, and that most men will not admit how much that matters.

The lesson is that a woman who laughs at the same things a man laughs at is hard to forget.

A man remembers the woman who let him be quiet

By Thursday the rain had turned to a steady drizzle and the gutters were running. I read a reply from Frank B., 71, from Erie, Pennsylvania. Frank wrote about a woman he dated after his divorce. Frank said she was the only person who never asked what Frank was thinking. The two of them could drive for an hour and not talk and it was fine. Frank said it did not work out, for reasons that had nothing to do with that, but Frank still thinks of those long quiet drives.

My husband Tom nodded hard at that one. Tom is a quiet man. Tom said that being allowed to say nothing is a kind of rest, and most people do not give it.

The lesson is plain. A woman who does not need a man to perform stays with him.

Honest words said kindly are remembered for decades

On Friday morning I read a reply over a second pot of coffee. Marcus L., who is 55 and lives in Birmingham, Alabama, wrote about a woman who told him, early on, that Marcus drank too much and that she would not wait around to see where it went. Marcus said she was right. Marcus got sober years later, and married someone else, but Marcus said he has never had a single drink without hearing her voice.

My husband Tom listened and did not say anything for a while. Then Tom said that the truth told plainly sticks longer than any compliment, and that most people are too scared to say it.

I will add my own note here. If drinking is a problem in your house, a counselor or a hotline is the right call, not a blog.

The lesson is that a man remembers the woman who told him the truth and did not flinch.

Being his friend before anything else leaves the deepest mark

Friday afternoon I read replies with the lights on because the rain had made the whole day feel like dusk. A reader named Steve P., 60, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, wrote about a woman who was his best friend in his twenties. There was no romance. Steve said she knew every bad decision he made and stayed his friend anyway. Steve lost touch with her when both of them married. Steve wrote that his wife knows about this woman and understands, because Steve still measures every friendship against that one.

My husband Tom said that men are not good at making friends, and so the women who become real friends to them are rare and not forgotten.

The lesson is that a woman who was a man’s true friend stays in his life, even when she is not in it.

Steadiness during a bad year is never forgotten

Saturday morning Tom was back from raking wet leaves, which did not go well, and sat down with his coffee in a wet jacket. I read him a reply from Walter D., who is 67 and lives in Lincoln, Nebraska. Walter wrote about a woman he lived with during the year he lost his job and his mother in the same winter. Walter said she did not fix anything. She just kept the house running and did not leave. Walter said the relationship ended a year after that, and Walter married later, but Walter still thinks of her as the person who held the walls up.

Tom said that a man does not forget who stayed when things were bad. Tom said anyone can be around for the good years.

The lesson is simple. A woman who stays steady during a hard stretch is remembered long after it ends.

A man thinks about the woman he let go when he was too young to know better

Saturday afternoon I read a reply that made me a little sad. Greg S., 52, from Charleston, South Carolina, wrote about a woman he dated in college. Greg said he ended it because he thought he had time and options. Greg said he was wrong about both. Greg has a wife and kids now and said he would not trade them, but Greg admitted he still wonders about that woman when he is alone in the car.

I read that one to my husband Tom carefully, because I was not sure how Tom would take it. Tom shrugged. Tom said most men have one of those, and it is not about wanting her back. It is about remembering being a fool.

The lesson is that men remember the woman they let go through their own fault, not because of her, but because of the lesson.

Treating his family with respect earns a permanent place in his memory

Saturday evening I was browning the pot roast for Sunday and reading replies between turning the meat. A reader named Victor A., 46, from Albuquerque, New Mexico, wrote about a woman who came to a holiday dinner at his parents’ house and spent the whole evening in the kitchen talking with his grandmother. Victor said no girlfriend before or after had done that. Victor’s grandmother asked about that woman for years. Victor married someone else, and said his wife is kind too, but Victor still thinks of that evening whenever he sits at a holiday table.

My husband Tom said that a man watches how a woman treats his mother and his grandmother, and he does not forget what he sees.

The lesson is plain. A woman who is good to a man’s family earns a place in his memory.

Having her own full life makes a woman hard to forget

Sunday morning the rain finally stopped. I read the last reply before the kids and the grandkids came for dinner. It was from Paul K., who is 63 and lives in Portland, Maine. Paul wrote about a woman who had her own friends, her own hobbies, and her own plans, and never once arranged her week around Paul. Paul said at the time it bothered him. Paul said now, decades later, he understands that she was the only woman he dated who did not disappear into him. Paul married someone else and is happy, but Paul said that woman taught him what a whole person looks like.

My husband Tom said that a man remembers the woman who did not need him, because she was with him for a reason and not out of habit.

The lesson is that a woman who keeps her own life is remembered as a whole person.

The kids arrived around noon and the grandkids went straight for the dog. The pot roast came out and my husband Tom claimed the end piece, as Tom does every time. I did not read any of the replies at dinner. It was not that kind of table. But I thought about them while I watched the kids pass the potatoes around.

Here is what I took from the week. The women those men think about are not the prettiest or the most exciting. They are the ones who were kind, honest, steady, and themselves. That is not a list of tricks. It is just a description of a decent person. Most of the men who wrote in are married to women like that now, and said so.

When you think back on the people who shaped you, which quality do you remember most?