What Men Over 50 Say Makes Them Stay Loyal for Decades

In the week before my anniversary with my husband Tom, I asked the men who read this blog a plain question. I wanted to hear from men over fifty who have stayed with the same woman for decades. I asked them what made them stay loyal when it would have been easy not to. I expected a handful of answers. I got a stack.

I printed the replies and read them to Tom on the back porch each evening that week. Tom added his own thoughts between sips of coffee. Some of the answers made me laugh. Some made me quiet. On Sunday my kids and my grandkids came for dinner, and I read a few of the replies out loud at the table.

Here is what those men said, and what Tom said back, scene by scene.

Stop keeping score

The first reply I read on the porch came from Walter B., 71, from Grand Rapids, Michigan. Walter wrote that for years he kept a mental tally of chores and favors. He said the tally made him resentful and tired. Walter threw the tally out after an argument over who had loaded the dishwasher more that month. Tom nodded at that reply and did not say anything. A marriage is not a ledger. The men who stay loyal stop counting who did what.

Go to bed at the same time

Dennis K., 66, from Boise, Idaho, wrote that he and his wife have gone to bed at the same hour for decades. Dennis said the habit started by accident and stuck on purpose. He said the ten minutes in the dark before sleep is where the real talking happens. I read that reply on the porch and Tom said the same thing is true in our house. The men who stay loyal keep the end of the day shared, not separate.

Tell the truth about the small things

Tom put down his coffee on the porch and offered his own answer. Tom said he decided early on to tell me the truth about small things. The price of the lawn mower. The reason the car was late getting home. Tom said if a man lies about small things, the big lies come easy. I have caught Tom in very few lies in all our years together. The men who stay loyal practice honesty on the little stuff so it holds when it matters.

Never joke about your wife to other men

Ray M., 63, from Dayton, Ohio, wrote about a lunch with coworkers years ago. The other men at the table traded jokes about their wives. Ray said he stayed quiet and felt sick listening. Ray wrote that he never once joined in, because he knew the jokes would change how he saw his own wife. Tom said the same thing happens at the hardware store counter. The men who stay loyal guard how they speak about their wives when the wives are not there.

Remember why you asked her

Frank D., 74, from Scranton, Pennsylvania, wrote that he keeps the memory of his proposal close. Frank said when his wife is driving him up the wall, he goes back to that memory on purpose. He wrote that the woman who annoys him is the same woman he could not live without back then. I read that reply on the porch and Tom smiled a little. The men who stay loyal keep the reason for the marriage in front of them.

Fix what you broke

On the porch Tom told me about a fight we had the second year we were married. Tom had said something cruel about my cooking in front of his brother. Tom said the next morning he knew he had to apologize to me and to his brother, in that order. Tom said the apology was harder than the fight. I remember that apology. The men who stay loyal clean up their own messes without being asked.

Eat dinner at the table

Harold S., 68, from Fort Wayne, Indiana, wrote that his family never ate in front of the television, not even once. Harold said dinner at the table was the hour each day when he actually looked at his wife and listened. Harold wrote that the table saved his marriage more than once. This house used to run on dinner at the table too. The men who stay loyal sit down face to face with their wives every day.

Stay in the room when it gets hard

Glenn T., 57, from Little Rock, Arkansas, wrote that his father used to leave the house during arguments and sometimes stayed gone overnight. Glenn decided he would never do that. Glenn wrote that he stays in the room, even when he wants to drive off. He said leaving the room teaches a wife that she is alone when things get hard. Tom agreed with that reply right away. The men who stay loyal do not walk out mid-conversation.

Keep friends who like your wife

Pete R., 61, from Spokane, Washington, wrote about a friend from his bowling league who kept nudging him toward trouble. Pete said the friend talked about other women constantly. Pete dropped the friend and kept the ones who asked after his wife by name. Pete wrote that the company a man keeps decides what he thinks is normal. The men who stay loyal choose friends who respect the marriage.

Notice what she does

Don W., 76, from Bangor, Maine, wrote that his wife ran the house for decades and he did not see most of it. Don said the day she got sick he finally understood how much she carried. Don wrote that he now says out loud what he notices, every day. The folded towels. The full gas tank. I read that reply and Tom looked around the kitchen for a long moment. The men who stay loyal pay attention to the quiet work.

Ask before you decide

Tom brought up the time he almost bought a fishing boat without telling me. Tom said he had the check written and sat in the truck and could not sign it. Tom said he drove home and asked me first. We did not buy the boat that year. Tom told me on the porch that asking first was the right call, even though the answer was no. The men who stay loyal treat big decisions as shared decisions.

Do not compare her to anyone

Ed H., 70, from Chattanooga, Tennessee, wrote that comparison is where loyalty starts to rot. Ed said he caught himself comparing his wife to a younger woman at work and hated what it did to him. Ed wrote that he stopped looking, on purpose, and started seeing his wife as she is. I read that reply to Tom and he said comparing is a choice. The men who stay loyal refuse to measure their wives against other women.

Still kiss her hello

Tom stood up on the porch and kissed me on the forehead for no reason. Tom said he decided years ago that he would kiss me when he came home, every single time, even after a fight. Tom said the kiss is not about romance. It is about reminding both of us where we stand. My kids used to roll their eyes at that kiss. The men who stay loyal keep the small physical habits going for decades.

Drive her to the appointment

Sam G., 73, from Rochester, New York, wrote that he drives his wife to every doctor visit and waits in the lobby. Sam said his wife can drive herself fine. Sam wrote that he goes because the waiting room is where she is most scared, and he does not want her scared alone. I read that reply and had to stop for a moment. The men who stay loyal show up for the boring and frightening parts.

Keep your word about money

Bill N., 62, from Wichita, Kansas, wrote that his father hid money from his mother and the family paid for it. Bill said he and his wife see every account. Bill wrote that money secrets are just regular secrets with a dollar sign. He said he would rather have a hard conversation about a purchase than a hidden one. Tom said that reply was dead right. The men who stay loyal keep money out in the open.

Have your own hobby and come home from it

George F., 69, from Billings, Montana, wrote about his woodworking shop. George said the shop keeps him sane and gives his wife a break from him. George wrote that the point is to come back inside better than he went out. He said a hobby that pulls a man away from the house is a problem. Tom has the garage the same way. The men who stay loyal use their time alone to come back more patient.

Let her be right in front of the kids

Lou A., 60, from Savannah, Georgia, wrote that he used to argue with his wife in front of the children about small things. Lou said the kids learned to pick sides. Lou decided to back his wife in front of the kids every time and take up any disagreement in private later. Lou wrote that the kids stopped playing them against each other. The men who stay loyal present a united front at the dinner table.

Say what you feel instead of sulking

Jerry V., 67, from Duluth, Minnesota, wrote that he spent his early marriage sulking for days instead of saying what bothered him. Jerry said his wife had to guess, and she guessed wrong, and the guessing wore her out. Jerry wrote that he learned to say the thing in plain words, even when it sounded stupid. I read that reply and Tom laughed out loud. The men who stay loyal use words instead of moods.

Do not run to your mother

Alan C., 64, from Albuquerque, New Mexico, wrote that early in his marriage he told his mother every fight. Alan said his mother took his side every time and his wife felt ganged up on. Alan stopped reporting to his mother and started working things out with his wife directly. Alan wrote that his marriage got better and his mother got over it. The men who stay loyal keep the marriage inside the marriage.

Walk together

Roger E., 72, from Charleston, West Virginia, wrote that he and his wife have walked after dinner nearly every night for decades. Roger said the walk is where they talk about the things that are too awkward to say face to face. Roger wrote that walking side by side makes hard topics easier. Tom and I took a walk around the block after I read that reply. The men who stay loyal find a place where talking comes easy.

Learn to cook breakfast

Vince O., 55, from Reno, Nevada, wrote that he could not cook anything when he got married. Vince said he learned to make a full breakfast so his wife could sleep in on weekends. Vince wrote that eggs and bacon did more for his marriage than flowers ever did. I read that reply to Tom, who makes pancakes on Sunday. The men who stay loyal learn to feed the person they love.

Keep the ring on

Stan J., 78, from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, wrote that he has never once taken his wedding ring off, not even for surgery. Stan said the ring is a message to himself more than to anyone else. Stan wrote that a man who takes the ring off at the bar is telling himself a story about who he is that night. Tom looked at his own hand after I read that reply. The men who stay loyal keep the visible signs of the marriage on.

Look at her when she talks

Tom admitted on the porch that he used to read the newspaper while I talked to him. Tom said our oldest called him on it as a teenager. Tom said that stung, and he put the paper down for good after that. Now Tom looks at me when I talk, even when the topic is boring to him. Tom said looking is half of listening. The men who stay loyal give their wives their eyes, not just their ears.

Protect her with your family

Tony B., 66, from Tulsa, Oklahoma, wrote that his sisters never liked his wife. Tony said he let the comments slide for years to keep the peace. Tony finally told his sisters that any remark about his wife was a remark about him. Tony wrote that the comments stopped and his wife started coming to family dinners again. The men who stay loyal stand between their wives and the in-laws when needed.

Hold her hand in the hospital

Ken R., 75, from Des Moines, Iowa, wrote about the night his wife had a heart scare. Ken said he sat beside the bed and held her hand until morning. Ken wrote that he realized he had never been more sure of anything than he was in that chair. He said every small annoyance of the marriage looked silly from that room. I could not read that reply out loud without stopping. The men who stay loyal know the hospital chair is part of the deal.

Keep dating her

Gary L., 56, from Portland, Oregon, wrote that he and his wife still go out alone every Friday. Gary said the date is nothing fancy. A sandwich shop. A drive. Gary wrote that the point is to keep being a man who takes his wife somewhere. He said couples who stop dating start living like roommates. Tom asked me on the spot if we had plans for Friday. The men who stay loyal keep courting after the wedding.

Laugh at her jokes

Tom told me on the porch that my jokes are not as funny as I think they are. Then Tom said he laughs anyway, because a wife who gets laughed at keeps telling jokes, and a house with jokes in it is a good house. I threw a napkin at Tom for that. My grandkids think I am hilarious, for the record. The men who stay loyal keep the humor alive even when the material is weak.

Show up to the things that matter to her

Leonard M., 79, from Bismarck, North Dakota, wrote that his wife sang in a church choir for decades. Leonard said he does not sing and does not much care for choirs. Leonard went to every concert anyway and sat in the same pew. Leonard wrote that his wife looked for him in that pew every time. Tom went to every single school play of our kids for the same reason. The men who stay loyal sit in the audience.

Say thank you out loud

Howard P., 68, from Mobile, Alabama, wrote that he assumed his wife knew he was grateful. Howard said his wife told him flat out that she did not know, because he never said it. Howard started saying thank you for dinner, for the laundry, for the way she handled his mother. Howard wrote that saying it out loud changed how he felt, not just how she felt. The men who stay loyal speak their gratitude.

Do not punish her with silence

Bruce K., 60, from Erie, Pennsylvania, wrote that his father could go a week without speaking to his mother after a fight. Bruce said he grew up thinking that was normal. Bruce wrote that he caught himself doing the same thing and hated it. Bruce now sets a rule for himself that he will speak to his wife before bed, no matter what. The men who stay loyal do not use silence as a weapon.

Decide about the kids together

Russ G., 71, from Augusta, Maine, wrote that he and his wife disagreed often about how to raise their sons. Russ said he never once overruled her in front of the boys. Russ wrote that the two of them would go for a drive, hash it out, and come back with an answer they both signed off on. He said the boys grew up trusting both parents. The men who stay loyal treat parenting as a shared job.

Keep yourself cleaned up

Phil D., 57, from Boulder, Colorado, wrote that he got lazy about his appearance in his forties. Phil said he stopped shaving and wore the same sweatpants for days. Phil wrote that his wife never complained, but he could tell she had stopped looking at him. Phil started dressing like a man who wanted to be seen by his wife. Tom put on a clean shirt for dinner on Sunday. The men who stay loyal keep showing up as someone worth looking at.

Call when you are late

Arthur S., 80, from Cheyenne, Wyoming, wrote that he has called his wife every single time he was going to be late for decades. Arthur said his wife has never once had to wonder where he was. Arthur wrote that a phone call takes a minute and buys a lifetime of trust. Tom is good about this too, though Tom sometimes forgets his phone in the truck. The men who stay loyal keep their wives from wondering.

Admit when you are lonely

Clark W., 54, from Madison, Wisconsin, wrote something I did not expect. Clark said there was a stretch in his marriage when he felt lonely and almost looked for company somewhere else. Clark instead told his wife he felt lonely, which was the hardest sentence he ever said. Clark wrote that his wife had felt the same way. They fixed it together. The men who stay loyal take their loneliness to their wives, not away from them.

Forgive the big thing

Walt J., 77, from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, wrote that his wife did something early in the marriage that nearly ended it. Walt did not say what. Walt wrote that he decided to forgive it fully and never bring it up again, and he has kept that promise for decades. Walt said a forgiveness you keep bringing up is not forgiveness. Tom said that reply took real spine. The men who stay loyal forgive once and mean it.

Walk before you speak in anger

Ned T., 65, from Shreveport, Louisiana, wrote that he has a temper. Ned said he learned to walk around the block before answering his wife when he was angry. Ned wrote that he has never once regretted the walk and often regretted the words he said before he started taking it. Tom has gone to the garage for the same reason many times. The men who stay loyal put space between the anger and the mouth.

Know her people

Ron C., 63, from Lincoln, Nebraska, wrote that he made a point of knowing his wife’s sister, her best friend, and her cousins by name and by story. Ron said his wife’s people are part of the package. Ron wrote that a man who ignores his wife’s family tells her that half of her does not count. Tom still calls my sister on her birthday every year. The men who stay loyal make room for the whole family.

Sit through the boring parts

Tom said on the porch that marriage has long boring stretches and nobody warns you. Tom said the years when the kids were small and we were broke felt like nothing was happening. Tom said he stayed through the boring parts because the boring parts are where the trust gets built. I had never heard Tom say that before. The men who stay loyal do not mistake a quiet season for a dead one.

Ask for help when you are stuck

Jim F., 69, from Burlington, Vermont, wrote that he and his wife went to a counselor when the marriage hit a wall. Jim said he fought the idea for a year. Jim wrote that sitting in that office was the most loyal thing he ever did, because it meant he wanted to fix it more than he wanted to look strong. I will add that for anything serious, a professional is the right call. The men who stay loyal get help instead of giving up.

Remember the hard year

Steve B., 74, from Peoria, Illinois, wrote about the year his wife lost her father and he lost his job in the same spring. Steve said they fought more that year than in all the other years combined. Steve wrote that he chose to stay in that year, and that choosing to stay once made it easier to choose again. I remember our own hard year. The men who stay loyal know the choice to stay is made more than once.

Be the man your grandsons see

Earl M., 81, from Savannah, Georgia, wrote that his grandsons watch how he treats his wife. Earl said he holds the door, carries the groceries, and speaks kindly, because small boys are keeping notes. Earl wrote that his loyalty is partly for his wife and partly for the boys who will marry someday. My grandkids were running through the kitchen while I read that reply to Tom. The men who stay loyal know they are teaching.

Say you would choose her again

Henry L., 70, from Flagstaff, Arizona, wrote that he tells his wife at least once a year that he would marry her again. Henry said the sentence costs nothing and means everything. Henry wrote that his wife still blushes when he says it. I read that reply to Tom and waited. Tom said he would marry me again, though he might ask for a smaller wedding. The men who stay loyal say the choice out loud.

The replies are still in a folder on the kitchen counter. Tom read a few of them again after everyone went home. Tom said most of the men wrote the same thing in different words. Stay in the room. Tell the truth. Show up. None of it is romantic and all of it is hard. I think that is why it works. What keeps the man in your life showing up, year after year?