Women Over 35 Reveal the Age Gap They’ll Actually Date, and Some Answers Will Surprise You

My friend Donna sat at my kitchen table on a Tuesday morning and stirred her coffee for a long time without drinking it. She lost her husband two years ago. A man at her church had asked her to dinner. He is twelve years younger than she is. She wanted to know if that was ridiculous.

I told her I had no idea. Tom and I met young and stayed put. I never had to decide what gap felt right. So after she left I did what I do now when I don’t know something. I went looking for what other women had to say. I found a long thread where women over 35 answered one question about the age gap they would actually date. I read it over three evenings at the table while Tom finished the crossword and offered opinions nobody asked for.

Some answers were what I expected. Some made me put my cup down. Here are twenty of them, with what I took from each one.

A hard ceiling in the mid forties

The first answer I read came up in a conversation where somebody had called fifty old. I laughed out loud, since fifty was a while ago for me and Tom. But the woman answering was not kidding. She had a line and she knew exactly where it was.

One woman on Reddit put it plainly.

I agree 50 is old. My max is 45

u/gallerinainheels on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Some women have a number in their head and they are not moving it, and that is their right.

Staying close to her own age

The next one came from a woman in her mid thirties. She did not want to go far in either direction. Three years down, four years up. That was her whole range. Tom looked over my shoulder and said that sounded like a parking space, not a dating pool. I told him to finish his puzzle.

Here is how she described it.

36, I go down to 33 and up to 40. I like to be close to the same age

u/Enough_Ad9437 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. A narrow range is not picky. It is just a woman who knows what feels comfortable.

A span either way and no stepkids

This one had two parts. The age part was simple. The second part was firmer. She did not want to raise anyone else’s children. I thought about Donna, who has three grown kids and a few grandkids of her own, and how that cuts both ways. Some people want a clean slate. Some have a full house already.

A woman of thirty seven said it this way.

I’m 37 and I would ideally like someone within 5 years of my age, older or younger. Absolutely no kids. I am not step – parent material.

u/thegreatcanadianeh on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Knowing you are not cut out for something is not a flaw. It saves everyone trouble.

More room above than below

Several women said the same thing in different ways. They would go further up in age than down. This one gave two numbers and the older number was bigger. I asked Tom why he thought that was. He said men his age had already figured out how to work a washing machine. I let that one stand.

She kept it short.

10 years older, and maybe 5-7 years younger.

u/canadasokayestmom on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Many women give older men more rope. It is worth asking yourself why that is.

Aiming for five, stretching to ten

A woman in her mid forties wrote something that sounded like Donna could have said it. Her kids were grown and gone. She knew that plenty of people her age still had kids at home. She did not let it decide things for her. She just liked people closer to her own stage.

This is how she laid it out.

I’m in my mid-40s, and it would be a stretch to go more than 10 years in either direction. I generally aim closer to 5 years either side. My kids are adults out on their own, but even at my age and older many folks still have kids, so I don’t think too much about that factor.

u/Spaceballs9000 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Once your kids are grown, the kid question gets softer. It does not disappear.

A gap of more than two decades

Then I hit the first answer that made me set my coffee down. Twenty six years. That is longer than some marriages I know. She said she was happy and she said it like she meant it. I read it to Tom twice. He asked if she was the older one or the younger one. She did not say.

Here is the whole comment.

26 years for me, couldn’t be happier!

u/StopTheFishes on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Happy is happy. It does not have to pass anyone else’s math test.

Older by a good stretch and no regrets

This one was long and I liked it. The woman had dated men her own age and found them insecure. Her partner was older, settled, and glad to let her chase her odd hobbies. She also got a steady supply of trivia about wrestling from the eighties. Tom perked up at that part. He has opinions about wrestling from the eighties.

She wrote it out in full.

My partner is 13 years older than me and it’s ideal. I’m 39 and he’s 52. We don’t want kids, days are spent doing whatever we want. No drama, he’s happy and supportive of all my weird pursuits. I’ve dated men my age or slightly younger and always felt they were more controlling and insecure. I like being with a slightly older, self confident, established dude. Also I get fun facts about 80s wrestling lol

u/90plusWPM on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. For some women, the gap is not about age at all. It is about a man who is done proving himself.

Married to a younger man for two decades

Here was the first woman who was the older one in her marriage. Five years. Twenty one years together. She did not make a big thing of it. I thought of Donna again, because the man who asked her out is younger too, and she was treating it like a scandal. This woman treated it like Tuesday.

She said it in three short lines.

I am 46, my husband is 41. We’ve been together 21 years. 5 years seems right for me.

u/CantaloupeShort7311 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. A woman being older than her husband is not news. It just feels like news when it is you.

The sister test

I laughed at this one because I have a sister too. The woman said she could not picture dating someone her younger sister’s age. It would feel strange. So that set her floor. Her ceiling came from her own partner, who was seven and a half years older, and she said she never noticed it.

Here is her reasoning.

No more than 10 older and no more than 3-4 younger. I’m 5.5 years older than my sister and mentally, I just don’t want to be dating someone her age. My partner is 7.5 years older and it is a gap we don’t notice so that’s my criteria for older.

u/Littlewing1307 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Sometimes the best test is picturing a real person. Would you date your sister’s friends? There is your answer.

A huge gap apart and grown kids on his side

The second answer that stopped me cold. Thirty five years. She said they were happy and comfortable. The part I kept thinking about was the kids. His were grown when they met. She said if they had been small it would not have worked. Tom said that was the most practical thing in the whole thread.

She put it this way.

My partner is 35 years older and we’re very happy and comfortable. He had grown kids when we meet, if they’d been small we probably wouldn’t have happened.

u/A_JSavage on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Where his kids are in life can matter more than where he is.

Flexible both above and below

A thirty four year old gave two numbers that were nearly even. Almost the same room above as below. I noticed how rare that was. Most women leaned older. This one did not care much which way it went.

She kept it to one line.

I’m 34 years old for me 8 years older and 7 years younger max

u/Inspireme21 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. An even range says you care about the person more than the direction.

Shared songs and shared memories

This one explained the why. Ten years was the range where a man would still remember the same shows, the same songs, the same news. I understood that completely. Tom and I can finish each other’s sentences about things that happened before our kids were born. That is not nothing.

A woman on the thread said it like this.

10 years for me. That’s about the range in which I can find people who share a lot of life experiences and culture in common.

u/reijasunshine on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Common ground is easier when you grew up with the same jokes.

Wanting to start a family from scratch

Here was the mirror of the stepkid answer. This woman wanted children. She wanted them with a man who had none yet. She did not want to be the second family. She wanted to be the first. I remembered how it felt when our oldest was born and we had no idea what we were doing. There is something to be said for figuring it out together.

A thirty six year old wrote it this way.

36F here. Up to 10 years older or 5 years younger. And 100% with no kids of their own, no exception. I want us to form our own family and have our own children.

u/SunnyBunnyBunBun on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Wanting to build something from the ground up is a fair thing to want.

Barely younger, up to a decade older

This woman was married and still answered the question. Her husband was six years older. Her range went a little below her and a good bit above. I noticed she gave only two years younger. Tom said two years is a rounding error. I told him some people round carefully.

She said it quickly.

2 years younger and up to 10 years older. I’m 38 and married 6 years older.

u/steffie-flies on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Married women still have a range. They just do not have to use it.

A round number and no fuss

One answer was so short I almost skipped it. Ten years, give or take. That was all. No story. No reasons. I think she just knew. Some of the best advice I ever got from my mother was that short.

Here it is in full.

10 years give or take.

u/Ashley4645 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Not every answer needs a paragraph. Some people just know their number.

The rule of five

This woman had a rule and she had named it. Five up, five down. No kids. She was dating a man who was exactly five years older, which she pointed out with a bit of nervous hope. I felt for her. I remember those early weeks with Tom when every little thing felt like a sign.

She explained the rule herself.

I’m 37 and I have a rule of 5. I’ll go 5 years older and 5 years younger. Kids are a dealbreaker for me so that’s not a factor. It’s worked for me so far (the guy I’m currently dating is exactly 5 years older so fingers crossed lol)

u/chapped_lip on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. A rule gives you something to stand on when a date gets confusing.

A narrow range and that is it

A thirty five year old gave a plain range. Five below her, five above her. She called it ideal. She did not call it a law. I liked the word ideal. It leaves a door open without taking the hinges off.

She kept it to one sentence.

35 here. Ideally my dating range is 30-40.

u/sunnysideup2323 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Ideal is a good word. It says what you prefer without closing every other door.

A small floor and a wide ceiling

This one surprised me because the numbers were so uneven. Three years younger at most. Fifteen years older at most. That is a lot of room upward. I read it to Tom and he nodded like it made sense to him. I asked why. He said older men have better stories. I said that is because they have had more time to make them up.

A thirty four year old laid it out.

I’m 34. Won’t date less than 3 years younger. No more than 15 years older.

u/MelloJello22 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Your range can be lopsided. It just has to be yours.

Trust can stretch the number

This woman gave a number and then gave a bigger number for the right man. Ten years, or fifteen if she got to know and trust him. She had never dated younger and was not sure about it. She did not want kids, his or hers. She said she would happily take a dog or a cat. I thought that was the most honest answer in the thread.

Here is what she wrote.

I am 35. Up to 10 years older would be within bounds for me, I think. Maybe 15 years older if it’s someone I really get to know and trust. (I don’t know if I would date someone younger – I never have. I guess a year or two younger would be fine.) I am childfree by choice and I would only date someone who also didn’t have or want any kids. I would be okay becoming a dog or cat mom though.

u/faerydust88 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. The number can move for the right person. Just make sure you are the one moving it.

A dozen years up and nothing down

The last answer I read was from a woman Donna’s age, give or take. She would date from her own age to twelve years older. Not one year younger. I thought about that while I closed the laptop. It was the exact opposite of what Donna was deciding about.

She said it in one short line.

45f and I’d date 45-57.

u/Mysterious-Art8838 on r/AskWomen

Takeaway. Plenty of women never look down the age ladder. That does not mean you can’t.

Donna called me Friday. She went to the dinner. She said he talked about his grandkids and she talked about hers and nobody asked anybody’s age. She said it was the first time in two years she laughed through a whole meal. I did not tell her about the thread. She did not need twenty strangers to tell her what she figured out over a plate of chicken.

What I took from all of it is that there is no right gap. There is only the one you can live with. Some women want three years. Some want thirty. Most of them had a reason, and the reason was usually about kids, or comfort, or a sister, or a song they both remembered. Tom’s only comment at the end was that he was glad he did not have to fill out the form. I told him he was lucky I did not have a range back then.

So I will ask you the same question those women were asked. If you were dating today, what gap would you actually be willing to live with?